It's not easy
by N811
Summary: Bobby thinks about his life. It's not easy. But maybe Eams can make it good.
1. Chapter 1

I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
I'm just out to find  
The better part of me  
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane  
More than some pretty face beside a train  
It's not easy to be me

I Wish that I could cry  
Fall upon my knees  
Find a way to lie  
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive  
Even Heroes have the right to bleed  
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede  
Even Heroes have the right to dream  
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me  
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight  
I'm not crazy...or anything…

I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

He lay on his living room floor. He didn't know what time it was but he had to at least lie for five hours there. When he came home from work today he didn't even bother to change into something. He pressed the bottom of his stereo system and this song began to play. He lay on the floor and since then this song kept playing. The CD had some kind of split and it kept playing on song again and again and again.

But that didn't concern him. He liked the song. Somehow it told exactly what he felt. Every one thought he had to be strong, being this big and intelligent. He wasn't allowed to show any emotion, to fear something or love something. He wanted to give up every thing.

Once he thought that he had reached something, that he could be proud of himself, that he found himself and the thing that brought joy in his life. But now he was at an end. He had had dreams, he had had cravings. He wanted something, wished for something.

He was alone. Everything he dreamt of went away. Everything he thought he had vanished. He had lost every thing. He didn't even know any more if there was a time he had something. It felt lie he was always alone, like he was on his own. His whole life.

Why could no one see what lay beneath him? Just because he was so big and strong didn't have to mean that he had to be fearless and full of strength. He had a right to be hurt, a right to cry, a right to bleed. Why couldn't any one see that he was more than this genius? He hated to be a genius.

If there was problem everyone always thought that he could solve it. But he didn't know every thing. There were things he didn't understand, things he worried about. He too needed help and people to love and love him back.

He couldn't do every thing. He wasn't strong all the time. He wasn't made of steel. He could feel punches, verbal and not verbal ones. He could bleed, he could have wounds and he could have scary.

A long time he wanted every one to think that he was strong and fearless. That he do every thing on his own. That he didn't need any help and that there was nothing he didn't know.

But now he knew that he couldn't be strong and fearless all the time. He couldn't do every thing on his own and he did need help. And there were a lot of things he didn't know.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. It was not easy to be like him. It was not easy being human. There were people who lived with such a routine that it was impossible to think that they lived their life for the first time.

He wished he could close his eyes forever. He didn't want to open them again. There was nothing in his life that would will him to wake up in the morning.

Eight years ago he found a thing that made him smile in the morning. When he went to bed at night he thought of being with her the next day. When he woke up he was happy, because he would see her. But this he lost too.

He destroyed his partnership with Eames. More important, he destroyed their friendship. She was the one who kept him alive and now she didn't care about him anymore. There was no reason to ever open his eyes again.


	2. Chapter 2

Tears were running down his face but he didn't care. He didn't care because he had the right. He had the right to cry. It was raining outside and he knew that a new had begun. He could feel the shine of the sun on his face shining through his window. He didn't want to go back to work.

She would be there. But would she want to see him? Probably not. And if she knew that he loved her she would request a new partner. He wondered why she stayed with him. After all he did to her she did not request a new partner.

He sat at his desk. It was raining. It had rained the whole day. Eames was coming late this day and when she arrived she didn't even notice him. He had tried to accustom to the fact that she was ignoring him unless the captain was near or they worked a case.

But Bobby was at his ends. He couldn't take this shit any more. When she didn't want to work with him any more she should request a new partner. But she should not play with him. He deserved it to be punished he knew this. But she had hurt him too a lot and he did every thing just to come back to her.

They were sitting in the conference room now and both of them were reading a file. He asked her about her weekend, making one last attempt to try and get her to talk with him. But she didn't even look up at him. He stood up forcefully and pushed his chair away. The other detectives didn't hear or see anything because the doors were closed and everyone was occupied with his won work. But Eames didn't look at him or show any reaction.

"I can't go o like this, Eames. I know you are mad but I beg you to talk to me again. You don't know how much you hurt me with that."

She was looking at him but didn't say a word. He thought that she would say something but she just got back to the file in front of her.

"I'm not strong, I'm not fearless. I don't know everything and without any help I'm going to fall in this dark whole that is called my life. I can't go on like this. You are the only person I trust and I know that I did a lot wrong. Tell me what I need to do. I'm doing every thing you want me to do. I want to fight for our friendship and partnership, Alex. Just give me a chance."

"You had enough chances."

"So this is the end? You really want to throw every thing we had away?"

"I'm not going to request a new partner."

"But you want a new partner, don't you? I know I did wrong. I know you can't understand why I did this. It was not to get my shield back, Alex. I did this to come back to you."

Her head shot up and she looked surprised in his eyes.

"You are the reason I close my eyes, because sometimes I dream of you and then all the nightmares are vanished. In my eyes it is worth having all these nightmares. Because I know that at least one night I'll dream of you. The only reason I get up in the morning is because I know that I'll see you, be near you."

Alex couldn't believe her ears. Was Bobby saying what she though he was saying?

"I come here to be with you. I did this undercover thing to come back to you. I breathe because of you. You are the reason I'm in this world. You're the reason I live. I never wanted to hurt you, Alex. I didn't do this to get myself killed or betray you. You are more than my water carrier. You are my strength. Without you I'm nothing."

She didn't say anything. He had given his last. This would be the end. He walked to the door, not even grabbing his coat he walked out of the office. He didn't want to be there any longer. He could always call the captain and tell him that he would quit. Or he could just close his eyes forever.


	3. Chapter 3

She was mad at him. He destroyed their partnership, their friendship. And he didn't even care about it. He had thrown his life away, not thinking about what he would leave behind. First she wanted him to make the first step, but when Bobby didn't do a thing she decided to end it all. She would show him what he would miss and she wanted him to fight for it.

She was mad at him but she was also in love with him. She was in love with him since she first worked with him. That was the main reason she wrote that letter all these years ago.

Of course that was another reason why she was so mad at him. Not that she loved him less after what he did. She could have killed him that day and she couldn't live without him. He never understood that she wasn't mad at him for what he did but for what almost happened.

She ignored him on purpose. She wanted him to react. She wanted him to fight. And when he did she was taken aback by the passion he had in him. Passion for them.

She didn't know what exactly he had meant. Was he in love with her, too? Why couldn't he just tell her like every other normal man? Because Robert Goren was not like every other man. He was special, strange and hard to understand. But Alex understood him. She saw what no one tried to see in him. And she loved him even more.

When he left through the door that he thought it was over. For him this was the end. But for her it was the beginning. The beginning of their end. She needed him to know what she felt. And she needed to know what he felt.

She ran threw the door. Stumbling against the captain but not caring. It was raining outside and she couldn't see anything because of the fog. No cars were on the street. They locked this street because of a big renovation of the building opposite of the department.

She was all wet and her clothes were all soaked. In the middle of the street she saw a figure kneeling. His head was turned to the sky and his arms were stretched to the clouds. She walked towards him and when he put his look and hands on the floor she began running.

"Bobby!"

He looked up and got to his feet when he saw her running towards him. She stopped a few steps before him and he could see how the raindrops run down her face. Some of the strains looked as if they were tears and more tears ran down his cheeks. He had made her cry.

"Do you love me?"

"My whole life."

She nodded and looked at the floor. He felt how the tears were falling and saw a tear fall from Alex' chin. He stepped nearer and wished the tear away.

"I love you, too."

She got on her toes and kissed him on the lips. First she was gently but when he responded to her she deepened the kiss. He put her arms around her waist and pulled her even tighter. She wounded her legs around his hips and he swirled them around in the rain, never ending the kiss.

It was not easy to be him. But he loved it. He loved it because he had her. She was his wings. She was his better part. She saw that he was more than every one saw in him. And when he cried she cried with him. When he was on his knees she was his ladder. In her eyes he was a hero. But he didn't mind to be a hero when he was it in her eyes.

I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
I'm just out to find  
The better part of me  
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane  
More than some pretty face beside a train  
It's not easy to be me

I Wish that I could cry  
Fall upon my knees  
Find a way to lie  
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive  
Even Heroes have the right to bleed  
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede  
Even Heroes have the right to dream  
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me  
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight  
I'm not crazy...or anything…

I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.


End file.
